I believe your my favourite character so far and am now debating on whether to try and oppose and beat you with my own series or to support you...lol

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Room Of Glass&Light

I believe in Jesus Christ, He is my saviour, I LOVE HIM and dragons and writing, light and night and fireflies!!!!

Yay those who speak the Old Language, know the secret of whales, talk to the birds and hear the trees!!!

Seems a little harsh to leave a family and a good life to find 'the real Amber'. Really, just because your parents aren't your real ones and your name might have been different doesn't change the person you are. That is all I have to say, however the story is written very well. I do plan on reading the other parts though. Good Work.

well she wants to find out who she really is
and because her parents aren't telling her, she runs away to find out herself
which is the beginning of her journey to find herself and her identity in life.
its not that she doesn't love them, she just craves to know who she really is.

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A futuristic sci-fi serial story... READ HERE!
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Our serial story, Modified Reality has been discontinued until further notice. (As of 29/08/08)
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Be sure to visit the page anyway

I enjoyed this. It sets up a sequence of short stories, or even a whole novel well. There are a few typos that I noticed, but apart from that, it's very good. I will probably check out the other parts when I get a chance.

Nice work.

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Zack.
Aspiring Author

Definition of Zack - "One whose brain flows with a turbulent stream of unending ideas, but who lacks the ability to lock them to a page in the binding fetters of prose."

Very nicely done. Sets up for a very interesting story of the things that could happen.

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I am the darkness still drifting through light. Forever shall I be consumed by the torment within.
Clubs: *TheWritersMeow , ~soul-perfume

Hi there! I hope you don’t mind receiving a critique on this piece! I will be submitting this to The Writer’s Meow Critique contest [link] if it’s alright with you!

First of all I would like to commend you for bringing such a vivid character to life in only a single printed page. Though short I was accurately able to visualize Amber and see her in stark contrast to the rest of her family. You used a lot of descriptive language that really captivated me and helped me picture everything you wanted to show. One of my favorites was when you said her strait black hair attempts to shield her pasty flesh. Such vivid words are crisp and real and allow the story to flow well.

I also wanted to say that while looking for a story to critique I chose yours because you have a very successful opening line. From just reading it on the thumbnail I had to click and find out more about this girl who assumes I would never understand her predicament. This first line was not only intriguing but also allowed the reader to formulate questions and instills in the reader the need to get to know this character better.

With that in mind, I’d also like to point out a few things I thought could be polished up a bit too really strengthen this opening a bit more. First of all, and very minor, I personally would have liked to have known this was a blog entry from the very beginning. A small detail like that would have helped stabilize the time and setting a bit better without much additional text. Also a person who writes a blog is likely young and still in school. Though you cement this in the second sentence I think it would just round the story well to have the date and journal header or even the current music she might be listening too at the very top. Current music might let me get a feel for what type of person amber really is without blatantly writing it out.

Secondly, in your second paragraph where the bulk of your beautiful descriptive language was, I also seemed to get a little lost with all the words. There were two run on sentences in particular that though filled with great ideas and descriptions but were really distracting in their structure I’ve marked both sentences at this [link] This is a print out I hand wrote suggestions on and scanned for you. It may look like a lot but please do not feel bad, they are only suggestions and you as the author know your character best. Please choose what you feel is the most helpful and go with that. ^-^

The last thing I would like to mention is the over all tone of the piece. To me it seemed very melodramatic in its dialogue, like something a teen gothic poet would write. As I’ve mentioned in my hand written comments, if this is the character personality you’re going for then you’ve done a great job. If not then you might want to try thinking of how you yourself would tell the story if you were speaking to a close friend, or in this case writing a blog entry. Not too many people would say things like “…won’t bless my desperate being with the answers I’m awaiting,” or “This is another query I’ve failed miserably to discover,” especially in something as informal as a blog entry. Be careful that you don’t flip flop between trying to write a literary masterpiece and common language if you want to sound believable to the reader.

Like I’ve mentioned before, these are just suggestions; so I hope at least some of this is useful to you in some way. If you have any questions feel free to answer back or note me. Thanks for writing such an interesting story and I wish you success in all of your future endeavors!

-nani

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"The cat...the dog...and the one between"

~Twin-Earth

Of course you can enter it! I'm honoured to have two of my works in the contest.

Firstly, thank you for taking so much time in analysing and criticing my work. It's very much appreciated. :]

I wonder why I never thought of putting a date or something at the top! Seems a pretty good idea and I guess a obvious one too. xD
The number 005 is engraved inside the cat, but this is my fault since it looks confusing because I missed out a comma.

The sentences are a bit long winded, since she's like a typical ranting teenager who just writes and doesn't pause for breath. She is indeed a goth, and a overdramatic person. She does like to throw in some sentences that seem a lot more formal, but that's just one of her querks. (I know someone that does that.)

Thank you again for your critque! You've put a lot of good valid points in it and all will help improve my future works!

-biccy <3

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I'm so glad you found it helpful! Thanks for letting me critique!

--
"The cat...the dog...and the one between"

~Twin-Earth

Congrats on getting 2nd place

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